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So in the past week or so I've had three different people come to me with relationship problems. A few years ago I used to be used to this. In fact, a few years ago it wasn't uncommon to talk on the subject of relationships with a bunch of people, and often. With these three different people though, I see a recurring pattern. In fact, with everyone I've ever talked to, I always see a recurring pattern.
I even saw that same pattern in my own life. That's of course because I didn't follow my own advice. Things I had known for years I blindly push aside. Girls will do that to you. Like one of my Deans said at school one year, the devil has blue eyes. What does that mean? The devil can come in the guise of a pretty face, nice figure, and sweet words (for us guys…girls, just think of your 'dream guy,' then let reality hit you square in the face).
Relationship problems start at the beginning of the relationship, before there is a relationship. It starts with the individual who is not mature enough to be in a relationship. Since, I get so many people who ask me, "why did this happen" or something along those lines, I'm going to explain it here so I can just forward them here and save my breath and typing skills for IMs and texts. Relationships fail because of the individual before there is even a relationship to build up to tear down.
Now many people may not agree with me (that's okay, they're probably used to being wrong anyway), but God is the one that created humanity, formed the man and woman-weaving all of our inward thought-processes and desires, structured the institution of marriage, and knows how it all is supposed to work. And because of that, he gave us guidelines for it all. When these guidelines are violated, problems arise, things fall apart, and relationships fail. Relationships are hard enough when we listen to and obey these guidelines, breaking them can do nothing but hinder us.
The very first guideline for any relationship is first a relationship with God Himself. God desires first and foremost to be the center of your life before any other, including a spouse. He desires it so much, that even when we don't want a relationship and can't have one, that He sent His son to make away, to bridge the gap, and clean up everything that separates us from Him. Without that relationship intact, we are leaving ourselves wide open for attacks from the enemy and no way to guard ourselves or fight back.
After we have that relationship going, growing, thriving, and God the center of our life, then comes the opposite sex. That pretty girl or handsome guy walks up and you jump for joy on the inside. I once heard a preacher tell me, when Satan wants to do something in your life, He'll bring a person into it. When God wants to do something in your life, He'll bring someone into it. That is so true. God and Satan both use people to work in our life-for good and for bad. We have to be careful to judge which is which, allow the good in and push the bad away.
That's why Jesus gave us the guideline to not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. (This is not just limited to dating and marriage, but for this purpose we will focus just on that.) The phrase "unequally yoked" means to join yourself together in union. This can refer to marriage or dating. Of course I've had another preacher friend of mine tell me that it's not even unbelievers, but Christians as well. As he says, one a scale of 1 to 10, what is your spiritual maturity level. Find that and date no one 2 notches below or 2 notches above. Now that may sound crude or judgmental, but then again, the crude and judgmental aren't having problems in this area on this specific issue. They're the ones that will not allow someone who potentially can draw them away from God to get so close to them that they will draw them away from God.
Now you may say, but because I'm so spiritually mature that I can pull the other person up to my level. No. You can't. The person at the lower level has more leverage to pull someone down off of a mountain than the one at the top to pull the other up. And the ones that are spiritually mature enough to do it, won't do it, because they know what can happen.
And that is what happens to people and how they get in the mess that they are in when they talk to me. Things are going bad, their relationship is going down the drains or already has and they want to know what happened or how to fix it. For the most part, the best way to fix is at the point it's at, is to let it completely break. The relationship shouldn't have existed in the first place.
Now let me tell you some examples from my past, because I have made some big mistakes in the past, ones that are worth learning from. On each occasion I was a pretty decently mature Christian for the amount of time I had been a Christian. The first illustration took place at college. I met a nice girl who said she was a Christian. First rule, just because they say they're a Christian, that doesn't make them a Christian. The fruit they produce will prove out if they are really a Christian (or if they live by what they preach or are supposed to live and act like). This girl liked to talk about the Bible and could talk the talk the first few times we hung out, but me in my stupidity rushed in and started a relationship of 'dating' before I really knew her.
Once I did know her, I was already dating her and thus, to encapsulated in the relationship to just break it off. Of course looking at it now, I could see that she definitely not as spiritually mature as I was, and thus, she brought me down to her level. I'm not knocking her, it just happened. I was to blame just as much as she was. Of course it ended with her in tears and me realizing my mistake, and seeing that the only way to truly break free of the chokehold that sin and Satan had on me was to tell her I never wanted to see her again. By the way, if you work together, that can get messy, as she went a little psycho.
The next illustration also happened at college (I've been in college for nearly 10 years [dear Lord] so I have a lot of stories). I met this girl and she said she was a Christian, we both went to church together and everything and all of our friends in our 'circle' were Christians, so why should I doubt her. But as we started to hang out and talk more and more she said stuff that gave off clues about her spiritual maturity. Of course, blindly by the pretty face and the lack that we had a lot of stuff in common, I walked my fly-bussing butt right into the center of her web to be eaten up. Don't get me wrong, she was and is a nice girl, in fact, we would have been great friends, just terrible girlfriend and boyfriend.
But again, I went into it too fast and before I had fully gotten to know her, I was already dating her. That's something else that could keep a lot of us from having broken hearts and wasting our time and money. Our culture is so infused with the idea of dating people to get to know them, and we've lost the common sense to get to know a person before you date them. It's not just me, I know of a lot of people that have done that-Christian and non-Christian.
Not only that, but before we ever dated, in fact, I can remember it as clear as day now. I was in her living room about to walk out the door, I was waiting for her to go back into her bedroom to get her wallet or something, we were going out on our first 'date' or hang out or whatever, and I heard this voice in my spirit (for you who don't know what I'm talking about, let's just say it's your intuition) saying "no." Not being used to that a lot, I wrote it off as just me or something else, not a warning from God above. If I had listened to that voice, I would have been happier for two years, saved myself heartache, pain, money, tears, and had a lot more joy. Now I look back on it as a mistake that not only hurt me, but someone else I cared so much about.
That comes to another point-as Christians we think about prayer in a way to repair things. Like cars, there are two kinds of maintenance, preventative to keep things from happening, and then the kind you do afterwards to fix it after it's been broken. A lot of our prayers are to fix what is already broken. But if we would pray in a preventative way, before we even date someone, then we would save a lot of time, heartache, pain, and be able to accomplish God's will for our lives with greater ease.
I had a roommate in college that I admired for that. He would continually pray that if the girl he was dating wasn't meant to be his wife then God would show him so he wouldn't waste his time that could be better devoted to Him. I think all of us could use a little bit of that.
The last illustration I want to tell you involves my wife. We had dated twice back in high school and when I had just started college. Then we broke up and she moved away and we kept in touch, but basically went our separate ways. Well after I broke up with my last girlfriend before her, I got my life back on course with God, rededicated to focusing on Him and doing what He wanted me to. I broke up with my last girlfriend on Halloween (and went through the usual trauma of a broken heart), but by Thanksgiving I was already talking to and getting to know (again) the woman that would be my wife. But she wasn't saved at that time. So to me, she was 100% off limits. While I was stupid enough to fall for a girl who called herself a Christian yet didn't act like it, I wasn't so stupid to date a girl that had no interest whatsoever in God or His way of doing things.
But we talked a lot and hung out on the three occasions that we were actually in the same city. Then when I was home for Christmas she came to visit so we could just hang out (by then we had been talking enough to get to know each other-when you live 700 miles apart that happens-it can be a good thing as well as a bad). We went to see our old youth pastors (because when we had dated beforehand she went to church but I didn't, then we broke up and I went to church and then slowly she stopped). And after enjoying each other's company, our youth pastor spoke to her and she decided to give her life back to God to do with it what He wanted. As she said she wanted to do that, in my mind the thought that she was potentially becoming off the off-limits side. Of course that was just a thought.
We all gathered together to pray though, her, our youth pastor and his wife, and myself. And as we prayed, I heard that voice again on my inside (this time I recognized it and wasn't about to dismiss it no matter what it was saying). In the midst of all of this awesome moment of changing someone's life for all of eternity, the Holy Spirit said to me, "there is your wife." I didn't need to pray about it beforehand whether or not she was the one. I had heard from Heaven. I knew it was God, because 1) I recognized it because I knew Him and 2) what He said aligned up with what His Word says.
I waited a few weeks before I said anything to her about marriage, but we had been through so much over nearly ten years, so we were already close, already knew each other. I had a Word from Heaven so I could go forth and didn't have to listen to any of the cautions other gave me. I listened to them and their advice. And if something like that happens to you, by all means, go for it. But head this warning, you make sure it's 10000% God, because if not, there will be Hell to pay because if it's not your marriage or relationship could definitely turn into Hell.
In closing, the thing that I want you to take from this last illustration is this: I got my life straight again, focused on God desiring Him and what He wanted and His promise to me, the one He gives all of us, was fulfilled because He is a God of His Word. He said that if we would seek Him and put Him first He would take care of the rest and give us the desires of our heart. My wife was the desire of my heart for so many years and even after nearly ten years apart, she was still there, and still the measuring stick by which I judged all others I dated.
And if we will put God first, follow His Word, to seek His face and His counsel about our lives, especially in the area of relationship, then life will be so much simpler and with less heartache. If we will set our lives on the path He has for us, not to bend or bow to date someone who does not know God or care for His way of doing things, to get to know a person before we even date them, to put God first in all things, then not only will we save ourselves pain, heartache, and money, we'll even get the girl and guy of our dreams and prayers.
